Amanda Mason Online

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Question: I recently started dating a guy I’ve known for a few years. It was going well, if anything a bit fast–he already started to talk about moving into my house and taking vacations together. Yesterday, he gave me a call that said he wasn’t ready for anything serious, and that he didn’t want me to be hurt if we broke up, but that he had strong feelings for me and was feeling closer, so anything was possible. He asked if I was interested in having kids and getting married someday, and when I said I couldn’t envision that, he said that could change. I really don’t get it. We talk on the phone several times a day–four times on the day he gave me that call, and he stopped by my department at work twice that day to say hi. He seems to be the one pushing for more interaction, and yet now he’s saying it’s too much. He’s also said he could see himself getting serious about me. To put this into some perspective, he is just coming off of a divorce. We do have a great time when we’re out together, but I’m utterly confused by all this inconsistency. Your thoughts?

Answer: I was going to answer forget about him and find someone more mature and ready for a serious relationship. Then I read about the divorce at the end. So it sounds like he might really be serious about you, just not yet. I have the feeling he wants to enjoy is freedom after the divorce for a little before jumping into another serious relationship.

That is understandable, however, it depends on what that freedom means. Does he want to go and have other girlfriends for a while and then settle down with you? Or does he just want to take things slow?

There’s nothing wrong with taking things slow. And as long as you spend time together, you do have a relationship. Without a serious commitment, you should set boundaries though and not cross them. One thing that comes to mind is unprotected sex. You do need a serious fully committed relationship for that. There might be another limits you can set. After all, if he does not get all serious with you, he can not have all of your benefits.

I do want to mention one thing though. If his idea of freedom means other women, don’t tolerate that. If he does not consider you worthy of a serious relationship now, he can’t expect you to sit around waiting for him.

So it does not matter if you call it serious or marriage or something, as long as he’s not seeing other women, he is yours and yours alone, no matter how much he is willing to commit.

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